


Sick of Drowning

by Not_so_teenwitch



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bottom Evan "Buck" Buckley, Depression, Drowning, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2020-12-21 00:50:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21066035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_so_teenwitch/pseuds/Not_so_teenwitch
Summary: This will be focused on Buck's mental stability and probably some buddie cause I gotta go down with the ship.Hope you enjoy!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I wrote this on a whim. 
> 
> I kind of see where the show is going and I don't hate it but I wish and hope that they will focus on Buck's mental health more as the season progresses. Until then I will try my best to show how I wish it will go. 
> 
> No Hate on Bosko.

It was hard.  
Buck knew it would be hard.  
A part of him didn't think it would hurt as much as it was. 

He sat on his couch as he stared at the his phone that laid on the coffee table. He had turned off after he saw Bobby and Athena. That was back at 9 P.M. when it was late enough to avoid texts and calls from friends or family. 

Buck had stayed up most of the night. He didn't mean too. He tried to sleep if off as soon as he got back to his apartment but his mind kept wondering. 

It hurt dammit. 

It hurt so fucking bad. 

He had worked so hard....it didn't matter. None of it mattered in the end because Bobby didn't believe in him. He didn't want him back on the field because he was a liability. 

Buck sat up a bit before he rested his elbows on his knees and just kept his eyes on the phone. The tv was on, he had left it on when he left before, needed the background noise to dull out his thoughts. He picked up his phone for a moment. It felt heavier in his hand today. It is still early in the morning. Six. Maybe seven. Maybe no one else has heard the news yet. 

Still he couldn't bring himself to turn on his phone. 

The worst part is that Buck had understood that. Not at first but eventually he did. It took some time, as disastrous the tsunami was, it had been the swift kick in the ass he needed. It was a small set back but he had it under control or at least he pretended to. 

He thought so until they covered his name up. Why didn't anybody tell him that Bosko was his replacement? Was it so easy to tape of his name like that? Just a small strip of tape and he was replaced. 

Buck gave a small sigh and put the phone back down on the table as he got up. He made his way to the kitchen, pulled out a pan and some eggs, might as well try to make some breakfast. He set the pan on the stove, his hand on the handle and the carton of eggs in his other hand.

It was the only thing that Bobby had taught him how to make. It took him a long time to figure out to make scrambled eggs. They had small pieces of egg shell in them but Bobby still ate it. Said he needed some practice. 

Buck stared at the pan. 

They were going to hate him. He knew that. Buck knew what he signed up for as soon as he agreed to take up the lawyer's offer. He knew that he wouldn't be able to talk to them. He knew that if he won the trial that there might be a large chance they would never forgive him. He knew that if he lost that he would never be able to be a firefighter again. 

Buck knew that he might not ever be the receiving end of small laughs after an inside joke. That he might not be able as welcomed to eat with them at the firehouse again.

That he might not get to see Hen's future baby or Chimney's lovesick eyes at Maddie. That Maddie wouldn't talk to him or Chimney cause she wouldn't want to pick sides. That Eddie will come through at some point and give him a piece of his mind. That Bobby will always treat him with respect but there will be that constant disappointment in his eyes.

He knew that he probably won't be able to see Christopher for a long time, or most likely, ever after this. 

Buck had let go of the pan before he left the eggs on the counter. He pulled away from the kitchen, climbed up the stairs and laid in his bed, still fully dressed from when he dropped off the court papers. He turned to his side and pulled his blanket over him. A little cold all of sudden.

Buck knew the risks. Hell, the damn lawyer warned him. He didn't know it would hurt this bad. 

All he wanted was to be a firefighter again. Didn't they see that he didn't have a choice? There was no where else for him to go? He wasn't anything if he wasn't a firefighter. 

At least he had Maddie. No matter how mad she will be, she wouldn't leave him.

Maybe Eddie too but he wouldn't blame Eddie if he did. There is only so much your best friend could take. He screwed up with the tsunami. 

Buck closed his eyes. He prayed he wouldn't dream. He wanted to be able to sleep. It has been a while since he slept without the occasional nightmares that played behind his eye lids. 

Some days they weren't as bad. He dreams of being pulled out from the rubble of a broken fire truck. The only memory being the occasional throb of discomfort from his leg. He hasn't been able to get a full night of sleep since before the serial bomber.

Other days. He watches Christopher falling off the fire truck. That one of the floating bodies would be a small eight your old boy that held sunshine in his smiles. He dreams of Eddie's heartbroken face as Buck tells him that he fucked up. 

He had those dreams on repeat. He kept watching Chris fall again and again but Buck was always a litte out of reach. On bad nights, the dreams didn't stop until he woke up with screams in his throat and sweat on his skin. 

Buck wrapped an arm around a pillow as he pulled it flushed against his body. His body had began to relax. His breaths grew slow and even as he slipped into sleep, he thought to himself, 'Please don't hate me." 

His exhaustion held heavy over his person as he finally let himself go. 

He was getting sick of drowning


	2. Chapter 2

"Christopher!"

He kicked his legs as he flailed his arms, his eyes seemed to fail to him as he tried to search for the poor boy, the water current pulled at him. Buck felt the water fill his lungs. 

Buck! 

There was a flash of yellow, of little fingers that reached for him. Buck was always just a little too far for those small hands. The current wouldn't let him go, it held Buck tight in it's grasp as it pulled him under the surface. 

Buck! 

Buck tried to scream but the water kept filling his lungs. The water's surface too out of his reach, too murky and clustered with washed up items and lost souls, he couldn't even see the sun's rays breaking through. 

All he could see was a pair of bright red glasses. 

"Christopher!"

Xx

Buck's eyes slammed open, sweat clung to his skin, eyes dilated as his lung gasped for air. There wasn't gonna be enough air for him. Not for a long time. 

One hand seemed to move on it's own when he slept as it reached towards to the ceiling as if to grab the glasses that floated in the water from the dream. He could still see the water around him, feel it pull him down to the bottom, until the air left his body. 

Buck slowly pulled his hand down and rested it against his chest. Soft trembles went over his body as he closed his eyes tight. He counted under his breath, "Ten..Nine...Eight-"

Everything was okay. He is home. He is in bed.  
"- Seven...six...five-"

He was miles away from the pier. Christopher is safe. 

"Four....three...two"  
Buck wrapped his arms around him, nails left small indents into his skin as he grabbed his arms. 

"One." 

He wasn't drowning. 

Buck let out a soft sob passed his lips. His eyes stayed closed but he could still feel that sting as they watered up. 

"He's okay. He's okay. He's okay," he mumbled under his breath. 

Xx 

Buck woke up to someone banging on the door. Small streams of sunlight peered through his window as he sat up with a slight groan. 

The banging seemed to increase. Buck ran a hand through his hair, "Fuck...I'm coming!" He yelled but the banging wouldn't stop. 

Slowly he slipped out of his bed and picked up his shirt from the ground. He must've taken it off at some point last night when he finally found some sleep. 

"Dammit. I'm coming. Gimme a sec!" Buck jogged down the stairs, taking two steps at a time, he yanked the door open. 

"I said I was c-" He suddenly felt as if someone dunked ice water over him because there stood his big sister with that little wrinkle she got between her brows when he did something stupid. 

Buck had almost forgot about the damn law suit. Almost. 

Maddie has her arms crossed over her chest, purse hanging from one elbow. Hair nicely done, light make up, and dressed for work. Yet she stood at his door instead of clocking in for her shift. She eyed him for a moment before she pushed pass him and into the apartment.

"Mads...Maddie," He closed the door as he followed after her. She walked toward his kitchen. She places her purse onto the counter then pulled to mugs from his upper cabinets and places them next to the coffeemaker. "Maddie."

"Want to explain to me why I got a call from Chimney this morning?" Maddie was using the big sister voice. He was fucked. 

"Maddie. I just-"

"Want to also explain why no one is able to get a hold of you? 

"I turned my phone off," Buck shouldn't feel this small at twenty-eight. He should be over this yet he still felt like that ten year old kid that Maddie used to lecture for not studying hard enough. 

"Why?"

"Maddie. Please."

"No Evan-" Oh he was really fucked if she was using his first name like that. "- please explain why you are filing a lawsuit against the 118. Please. I would love to hear about it...Instead of finding out from my boyfriend." 

Maddie turned around, a cup of hot coffee in each hand, she offers him one. He gently accepts her olive branch. Buck always did love this about Maddie, even when she was pissed, she still found small ways to say that she still cared. She guided them to his living room and took a seat. "What is going on, Evan?" 

Buck sat next to her, stared down at his cup, he didn't know what to say. He peaked over at the phone he left on the coffee table last night. He couldn't imagine how many texts and calls he must've gotten at this point. 

"What time is it?"

Maddie took a small sip of her coffee. "Around....Eleven? Maybe Twelve. I tried calling but-"

"Yea...I figured."

"Evan...talk to me."

Buck kept looking down at his coffee. He let the warmth from the cup, seep into his palms. He felt cold. 

"I didn't know what else to do..."

'Evan-"

"No. Maddie. I....Bobby was the reason why I couldn't come back. I....I was just so mad and....He knew how hard I was working and this was....it was like a slap in the face."

Buck finally looked over at Maddie whe she put a hand on his arm. She spoke softly, "Buck...He is just worried about you. He wants to make sure you're read-"

"I'm ready now." He slammed the cup onto the coffee table, spilling some of it onto his hand. Buck hissed. He shook his hand a bit before he looked over at Maddie again. Her eyes wide and a bit glazed over. 

"Sorry....sorry. I didn't mean to-" She cut him off. 

"Its fine...I know you didn't." They sat there in silence for a moment. Buck pulled at the bottom of his shirt. "Let me see your hand."

"Mads, its fi-"

"Let me see," She didn't leave much room for arguement so he let her take his hand. She frowned again. "Think you will survive the slight coffee burn if you put it under some cold water for while....Not sure about the bruises on your arms though."

Buck blinked at her before looking down at his arms. You couldn't really see them unless you were looking. Since he was in and out of the gym for his restatement, it wasn't unusual for him to have a bruise or two. But these bruises were fresh, light purple with small fingernail indents. Shit. 

"Are you sleeping?" 

"Yea. Of course." He pulled his hand but she gripped on tight. 

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying." 

"You scrunch up your nose when you lie." He did? Without thinking, Buck used his free hand to touch his cover his nose. "....Are you having nightmares? 

"Mads. I'm fine.'

"Buck..."

"We really shouldn't be talking anyway...cause of the lawsuit." He finally pulled away from her. Maddie eyes widened, jaw dropped slight, stricken. He regretted that. 

"What? I'm your sister. The lawsuit shouldn't apply to me." 

"....It does when you are dating someone from the 118." She slowly closed her mouth, jaw tight, her eyes pleaded. He looked away, clenched his hands into fist. 

"Evan....Please. Talk to me." 

"You should go." She pulled back. Maddie sat there for a moment as she tried to get Buck to look at her but his gaze fixed on the on the spilled coffee on his coffee table.

"Okay....I'm going back to work but....I'll leave my phone on....and I am off at eight so....if you change your mind." Buck listened as she got up and collected the coffee cups. He heard her put the cups into the sink then the click of the door opening then closing. 

He relaxed into the couch and laid back. "Fuck."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck will be getting a couple visitors and goes deeper into his depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the way late entry but here we are kids.

He never ended up calling Maddie that day. There were several times throughout the day where he just stared at his phone and held it in his hand. Finger hovered over the on button but he could never bring himself to go through with it. 

It would be okay. Maddie would get over it as soon as she is with Chim. Buck knew that Chim wouldn't ever let her down. It was a small bittersweet relief but Buck held on to it. It was too late to back out now. He shouldn't drag Maddie down with him. He wouldn't make her drown. 

It had been about week since Buck delivered the papers to Bobby's. Six days since he last saw his sister. Three days since anyone has come knocking on his door. He hasn't left the safety of his apartment once. 

The first to show up after Maddie was, surprisingly, Chimney later that same day. It was about six in the evening when there was a knock on the door. Buck had sat at the kitchen stool and stared at the door, bowl of cereal hardly touched, blanket over his shoulders. Buck held his breath while he sat still as if Chim would know he was home if he made any subtle movements. 

"Hey Buck. You home?" Chimney called out. Tapped the door a couple times before he tried to call out again. "Buck....If you can hear me..I..." There was a pause of silence then one more knock. "Just...call Maddie when you can. Okay, Buckaroo?" 

Buck wrapped his blanket closer to his form. He waited until he knew Chim was gone to breath again. Buck was getting pretty good at holding his breath. 

Xxx

The second person to show up was about two days later. 

"Buck! I know you are in there! Come out here," Eddie yelled as he banged on the door. "Buck! Open the fucking door!" 

It was noon on a Monday. Everyone of his neighbors would have already been at work. This scene wouldn't anyone's focus. Buck was thankful for that. 

It would have been Eddie's day off and Christopher would have been at school right now. That would be the only reason he here instead of at work. Buck sat in his bed as wrapped his arms around himself, nails dug into his skin as he resisted to run to the door to ask about Christopher. Was he okay? Was he having nightmares too? Could Buck see him one more time before Eddie took him away? 

"Carajo! Buck! Answer me!" The door shook as Eddie slammed his fist against it. "Fucking open the door!" 

Buck felt his eyes began to sting before he covered his ears. Go away. Please go away. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"Evan...Please. Please open the door. Please." Buck held his hands tighter over his ears. A few a couple tears escaped down his cheeks. He closed his eyes tight until a wave of numbness took over. 

It took twenty minutes before Eddie finally left. It took another ten for Buck to realize that after he found himself downstairs staring at the air. When did he get down here?

Xxx

Hen was the last person to knock on his door. It was a full day after Eddie and Buck hadn't been expecting anyone to show up for another couple of days. 

Buck was in the middle of a shitty cop show marathon when he heard the knock on the door. He grabbed the remote and hit mute with the small amount of hope that the person at the door didn't hear the TV.

"I know you are home, Buckaroo." 

Fuck. Buck leaned into the couch but he didn't make a sound. 

"Its okay. You don't have to answer the door. Karen and I....Uh. We got some groceries for you. I will leave them out here at your door. Don't wait too long though. I didn't buy this milk for you to spoil it now," Buck could hear her give a small laugh. He couldn't help the ghost of a smile on his own face. "Maddie told us that you were wasting away. So I thought it would be good to get some meat on your bones."

Buck found himself at the door. He didn't remember when he had gotten up but before he thought too much about it. Hen spoke again. 

"Buck, I know your hurting. I say that you should take your time and think about all of this mess but....honestly I don't know what I would have done of I was in your shoes....So when you are ready. I'll be here Buck....Okay?" 

Buck touched the door knob. Turn it. Just turn it. Open the door. Just open the damn door. There was that numbness that went through him again. What if he opened the door? Did it honestly matter?

It took him thirteen minutes before he could open the door but Hen was long gone and all that was left was a couple bags of groceries. 

XXX 

He couldn't breathe. It hurt everything hurt. 

Buck was pinned under a the truck again. He could feel it the weight grow heavier and heavier as it crushed his leg. He screamed and clawed at the ground. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't crawl away from the truck. 

"Buck?" A small voice called. Buck looked up and there was Christopher right in front of him with his bright happy face from across the way. Too far. 

"C-Christopher..." As if he was waiting to be called, the little boy started to take slow steps as he made his way over to Buck. The man shook his head. "No. S-Stay back. G-Go get help," He cried out when the truck jolted. 

That is when he noticed the looming wave in the horizon. Christopher kept wobbling towards him with his little crutches. "No. Go!" Buck struggled to wave him away. Couldn't he see the wave? "Christopher! Run!" 

"I'm going to be a firefighter just like you , Bucky!" Buck shook his head and reached out for him but it was too late the wave crashed down. All that was left were a pair of red glasses floating in the water. 

XXX 

A scream ripped through his throat as Buck cried out. He couldn't breathe. He could breathe.

Buck kicked the blanket off of him. Hands clawed at his throat. Drowning in water that wasn't there. 

XXX

It wasn't until the morning that Buck turned his phone on again and got a call from the lawyer. He was told to dress nice and come with a fight because it was time to use the case they built. 

A cold numbness ran through Buck. He confirmed to meet with his lawyer in an hour. He tossed his phone back on to the bed. Buck ignored the small bings of all the notifications from all the calls and messages he missed as he dragged himself out bed and into the bathroom. Buck moved to grab his toothbrush when he caught his reflection. His eyes grew wide. His neck and chest were covered in bright red scratches and purple finger-shaped brusies. He gently traced over one of the scratches with his finger and hissed. He stared for a moment then proceeded to brush his teeth. 

The numbness had started to settle fully into his chest. He didn't feel anything. Not a damn thing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie & Christopher before Eddie finds out about the lawsuit.

Screaming.

  
Someone was screaming.

  
Eddie’s eyes snapped open, his mind ran on autopilot, not fully registering his actions that he was halfway out of the room. The house was dark but had had already memorized well enough of the shadows that played in the corners of his halls. Eddie pushed his son’s door and flicked the lights on.

  
“No! No!”

  
It didn’t matter that the nightmares came every few days or every day. It always broke his heart to watch his son crying, reaching for something that wasn’t there. Eddie sat on the bed and pulled Christopher onto his lap as he gently rocked him back and forth. “It’s okay. I’m here. You are okay. Todo es bien mijo,” He whispered. It didn’t take long for Chris to wrap his little arms around his father as he cried into his chest.

  
“H-he was drowning. There was ….all the water. Daddy,” Chris’s voice cracked as he spoke, soft sobs escaping him as he tried to calm down. Eddie pulled back a bit, gently wiped his son’s face before asking, “Hey...Shh..It’s okay. The water is all gone. Okay?...”

Christopher gave a slow nod but he still clung onto Eddie as he would he swiped away by invisible at any moment. It killed Eddie to see Christopher like this. All he wanted was to wrap him in bubble wrap and hold him tight. Protect him from everything the world threw at him. Eddie thought that maybe they were able to make some progress when Christopher had confessed that he was dreaming of Shannon but maybe had been a little too hopeful.

  
“Chris...Can you tell me who was drowning?” Eddie couldn’t help but ask. Christopher hiccups, he sat in silence for a moment, hid his face into Eddie’s shoulder. After a few moments, Eddie had fully expected Chris not to answer but to Eddie’s surprise, he mumbled a soft, “Buck..” The dam burst. His son’s breath hitched. The small boy trembled in his hold.

“H-...He kept trying to save me b-but he...He was drowning. He couldn’t swim. Daddy, he couldn’t swim!” Eddie rocked him again. Although his mind was in shock. This was the first time that he ever had a dream about Buck. It made sense because they shared the trauma together but why now? It has been weeks since the tsunami and not once did Christopher ever mention Buck in his dreams. He rubbed his back as he tried his best to calm Christopher down.

  
“Hey. Buck is okay. He is okay. El es bien, mijo.”

  
“...C-Can we see him?”

  
Eddie peaked over at the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was said 3:07 in bright red numbers. The last thing he wanted to do was to deny his son this small request but it was late. Who knew if Buck was even up?“We can try calling him, is that okay?”

Christopher seemed to think about it with watery eyes but he nodded. Eddie could never deny this boy a single thing. Especially if it meant that it would bring him some sort of peace. He hoped Buck wouldn’t mind too much. Eddie had probably called Buck more than it was necessary in the last few weeks. Sometimes it Chris wouldn’t go to bed unless he was able to talk to Buck. Eddie stood up with Chris in his arms, it has been a while since Chris let him do this, then walked back to his room.

  
Once they were both in Eddie’s bed, he grabbed his phone and hit the most recent call he had with Buck. It actually had been a couple of days since he spoke with the younger man. The last thing they had talked about was Buck getting ready for dinner with Bobby and Athena.

  
The two Diaz men sat in silence as they waited for the phone to ring but the call went straight to voicemail.

  
“Hey this is Buck! Sorry I missed your call. I’ll try to call back as soon as I can.”

Eddie frowned before the two Diaz boys looked at each other then back at the phone. Christopher whimpered, his bottom lip wobbled slightly.

  
“I’ll try again,” Eddie said as he dialed the number again but it went straight to voicemail. Was Buck’s phone off? It was unlike him to pickup the phone. Even if it was in the middle of the night. Buck always answered the phone. Eddie felt a surge of annoyance run through him but he tried to shake it off. It would be unfair to get mad at Buck for something like that. He probably forgot to charge his phone again.  
“I’m sorry buddy.”

  
“It-Its okay. Maybe he is sleeping. Must be tired.” As if on cue Christopher let out a yawn. “...Can we sleep with the lights on?”  
“Claro cariño.” Eddie let Christopher out of his hold so that he could crawl under the blankets next to Eddie. Eddie wrapped an arm around him and rubbed his back as Christ closed his eyes and his breath began to even out.

  
The older Diaz let his mind wander back to Buck. Eddie felt a little guilt settle in his chest at the thought that he hasn’t called or texted Buck in the last few days. It was hard to remember sometimes because Buck always messaged him. Always found some way to stay in contact throughout the day and yet Eddie didn’t even notice that Buck had virtually disappeared from his radar for almost two days now. Part of him wanted to get mad, it was an anger that he had mostly to himself for being so dependent on Buck on times like this. Where all he could do was watch his child suffer and Eddie could not do a damn thing about it.

  
Eddie kissed Christopher’s forehead. Maybe he could take Chris to buck’s place after work tomorrow. They could use a bit of a pick-me-up. It has been a while since Chris saw Buck in person and he was obviously starting to miss him. And if Eddie was just a little more honest with himself, he really missed Buck too. He missed that smile. It was a secret that he only would think of when the sun wasn’t able to witness how deeply he felt for Evan Buckley’s smile.

  
Back when Shannon was alive, it still hurt to think about her, he had discarded any and every stray thought he had for Buck when Eddie’s hands were on her hips and his lips down her neck. She was infectious like that. Always had been even when they were young and in love and less broken. Before she left the first time and they broke just a little more. Before she left the second time right when they were finally filling in the cracks. She still planned to leave him before she passed and Eddie wasn’t sure he could find it in himself to forgive her even beyond the grave but he could understand why. Eddie still felt guilty about how quickly his thoughts went back to Back. They sat in the backburner never truly gone just hidden for a while.

  
Eddie thought back of when Buck picked up Christopher and ran away from Eddie in order to hide the fact that they were eating cookies before dinner. If he was bad about spoiling his son then Evan Buckly was so much worse. He couldn’t deny a single thing from Christopher if he tried.

  
When Buck would sit next to him on a cloudy day and bump his shoulder in the middle of a call, just to say that it smelled like rain. “It’s my favorite smell. It makes me think of home,” Buck would say with a cheeky smile on his face.

  
When Buck would look down sheepishly with red-tinged cheeks when someone complimented his birthmark. Many didn’t know it but that was one of the few things that Buck was pretty insecure about, he always laughed it off if someone joked about it but Eddie had caught Buck in the restroom as he looked over his reflection in the mirror, he would trace the mark for a moment then sighed. H would always give this soft yet surprised smile when old little women on calls would compliment him, saying that it suited his face. “Really? Thank you.”

  
When Buck’s blue eyes, that could drown the best of sailors, widened in shock, and fear of the thought of Eddie leaving Christopher in his care again after the tsunami. “Eddie...I lost him,” Eddie could still hear that slight crack in Buck’s voice.

  
The shaky smile Buck aimed at Eddie when he said that there was no one else that he would trust more to take care of Christopher.  
Eddie felt the warmth against his chest. This time it was soft and filling like sitting in front of a fireplace on a cold night. These thoughts were safe. It was the ones where he thought about tracing his own fingers over Buck’s birthmark. Or how soft his lips were that lead Eddie down a spiral of ‘what if’s and ‘maybe’s. What if Eddie just kissed Buck? What is Buck kissed back? Would those lips be as soft as they looked? Buck may be pretty confident with women but not with women he actually cared about. Buck always seemed hesitant and careful. Eddie had a feeling that he would be a lot more hesitant and shy if they ever kissed, unsure of where to put his hands. What if he took Buck on a date? Somewhere quiet where they could just still and talk. Where he could hold Buck’s hand and watch him get flustered. Half the time Eddie teased Buck was just to see his cheeks burn red when he was embarrassed. It was the best part of his day outside of picking up Chris from school. What if Buck moved in? Eddie smiled softly at the idea of Buck letting Chris help him unpack his things and cuddling up with them for a movie marathon.

  
Eddie never truly doubted the crush once Shannon passed away but he didn’t want to risk losing his friend. He missed his best friend. Eddie looked back down at his son’s sleeping face and ran a hand through his curls. He thought of Buck playing with Chris and how he looked at him. Full of love and fondness. After work, he’d take his son to see Buck. Chris was going to love that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment. I thrive on comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are gonna see a small bit of how everyone else is doing about being sued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is doing all right considering the pandemic.

Eddie has never felt this angry before. He felt a fire on his chest that filled him like a wild flame. A Uncontrollable hell. He has not felt these flames since Shannon left with a duffle bag and weak promise to see them again in a few weeks. It took five years for her to come back. She was gone before Eddie could get her to stay and Shannon wasn't ever going to come back. 

This time it was Buck. He gently picked up the papers that were on the kitchen counter. Most of the 118 were doing their usual work routines but Boddy, Chiminey, and Hen sat in the kitchen and took turns to watch Eddie. 

"He's gonna sue?" Eddie couldn't believe it. Buck was gonna sue. His bestfriend. The person who lived and breathed being a firefighter was gonna sue the department. Which meant that until the court proceedings, Buck wasn't allowed to legally see them. He wasn't allowed to see Christopher. Eddie felt the angry blaze burn hotter as that was probably the reason why he didn't pick up the phone call from the night before. "You have to be fucking kidding me!" 

Eddie slammed the paper down on to the counter and looked at them. Bobby frowned as he sat up with his arms crossed over his chest. "He came last night to drop off the papers....I waited for him to call back to drop it. I tried calling him but....He isn't taking my calls." 

"Cap, come on I don't think that has anything to do with this." Hen tried to reason, she walked to the table to take a seat next to him but Eddie shook his head. 

"No. Buck isn't taking any calls. Called him twice last night." The three of them looked back at Eddie in surprise at the confession. As if to test the theory, Chiminey pulled out his phone and dialed Buck's number. He placed it on the table and hit the speaker button. They waited as they listened to the phone ring for a second then to straight to voicemail. 

“Hey this is Buck! Sorry I missed your call. I’ll try to call back as soon as I can.”

Chiminey tried again. Then again. He reached for the phone one more time before Hen stopped him. 

"He isn't going to pick up. Maybe we should give him some space. It is a lot. Okay?" 

"Space? He is being a fucking idiot. Someone should knock some sense into him. " Eddie scoffed. This was incredibly selfish even for Buck. He gets that Buck was feeling frustrated for being out of the field but to actually sue the station, that was just bullshit. 

"Eddie...Come on man." Chiminey put his phone away as Eddie shook his head. 

"No! I'm not going to pity him. He is acting like a child with this tantrum he is doing." 

"But-" 

"Enough." Bobby stood up with this coldness in his eyes that was enough to dim the flames in Eddie's chest. Hen and Chiminey all turned to watch their captain as he made his way to the stairs. "We will discuss this later. Right now. We focus on work." 

And as if the universe could hear him, that was the moment the alarm rang. Every moved to action. This was going to be a long day. 

-The night before the proceeding-

"This could have been avoided if you just talked to him," Athena stated softly as she climbed into bed. 

Tomorrow the 118 was told to meet with the Buck and his lawyer and see if they could counter their case. Athena could see this going a couple ways and she wasn't too sure if she liked any of them. Especially if it involved losing Buck for good. 

As more days go by, the chance of Buck coming back at all grew slim. A part of Athena wondered how they would be able to handle that? A more reasonable part of her brain realized that they lived just fine without him for the last few months. 

She didn't like that one bit.

Bobby sighed, closed his book then turned to look at his wife. Athena knew that he was growing more agitated as the days went on but she took notice that as their desperation grew, so did their anger. They wanted to blame someone. Buck was the easiest target to hit. 

"Athena, he wasn't ready. You know that. I know that. The actions he choose to face should be a prime example that he wasn't ready." 

"Is that true? Or are you using that as an excuse to say that you weren't ready." Bobby's mouth turned into a thin line. Athena watched as he tapped his right finger over the cover of the book as he took a second to collect his thoughts. They both knew she was right so before he could say anything she spoke again. "He almost died...That boy has to be the luckiest or most unluckiest man alive to survive all of the things he went through in the last few months. It is scary that we almost lost him." 

Bobby didn't look up until he felt her hand over his own. He was quick to flip his hand over and intertwine their fingers together. He ran his thumb over the back of her hand. She used her free hand to cup her husband's face and tilt his head to look at her. "I know that you are trying to protect him. I know that. I bet he knows that too but....you should have told him the truth earlier. Told him that you were scared." 

"...I was afraid of his reaction. Look how it ended up. I had a right to be," his arguement felt as weak as it sounded. Bobby knew that she was right, she was always right, but another part wanted to hang on to the anger and frustration. Why couldn't Buck just do as he was told for once? 

"You did but imagine...if you are this scared to let him back on the field with all the best people by his side to protect him-" Bobby frowned, he gave a gentle squeez to her hand- "how would you feel if he was alone." 

Bobby didn't like the thought of that. Athena knew that to from the way he squeezed her hand. 

"I'm worried about him too, Bobby. I'm alot more worried about him now than I have ever been when he was on the field. " 

"What do you mean?" 

"Nobody has been able to get a hold of him." 

"Well the lawsuit prohibits that until the case is over with. Buck knew that. He caused that." 

"Yea....But Buckley has never been much for the rules. That rule also doesn't apply to Maddie." 

"What? Maddie hasn't spoke with him?" 

"She has been trying for over a week. Calling him. Texting him. Hen and Chim said they even went to visit. His car was there but....he never answered the door." 

A small part of Bobby broke. Athena leaned her head against his shoulder and held him tight. 

"I'm a lot more worried of leaving him on his own. That boy has been through it. I can't even begin to imagine how he could handling it all on his own." 

They weren't close and it took her and Buck a while to get to the relationship that they hand now. She used to think that Buck was nothing more than a hot headed child that was gonna get himself killed. On most days, she still thought so but she knew better now. Athena knew how pure hearted his intentions were even if they were misguided. He never meant to cause harm. He was hurt and scared. 

She understood that. She has seen it. She had lived through it. A scared animal will attack in defense for even the smallest chance at life. What was Buck's life if he wasn't at the 118? Athena figured that he might not have much of one. Even before Abby, he never really mentioned anything outside of the firehouse. No one even knew he had a sister until she had shown up. 

Bobby cornered him without meaning too. He knew that he did but he was angry. Angry that Buck couldn't get it through his thick skull that he was trying to protect him. Angry that Buck decided to take him to court instead of talking to him. Bobby was angry that Buck for being hurt. 

Although Athena was right in a way. With all of this going on, has Buck had anyone to talk to about his traumas? Bobby couldn't even remember if they has discussed the bomb incident. 

He knew Buck went to physical therapy but did he go see someone? Any therapist? He must have if he was cleared before the embolism. 

"....I don't actually remember if he saw a therapist for the bombing."

"What?" 

"The paper work said he was cleared but.....I was there for every physical session and if I wasn't he would tell me about them but....I don't think he ever mentioned therapy. "

"Not even when he was in the cast? Maybe he just didn't want to talk bout it."

"He would have told Maddie and no offense to her but she normally tells Chim everything. Secrets are hard to keep at the 118. Yet I haven't heard Chim say a thing about it." 

"....After the hearing tomorrow. Bring me his file." 

"...Alright." 

They both had a cold feeling in their chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment & a kudos! I thrive on comments


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